I haven’t been able to write anything recently and I can’t even say I’ve tried to write anything. I just have a fear of writing something pointless. I haven’t got something important or useful to say so I’m afraid to write anything in case it doesn’t sound good. I know that if I don’t like what I’ve wrote I can delete it. So why the fear? There’s nobody peering over my shoulder judging me, just my own brain telling me I can’t do this. I’m always afraid to continue with a new found project and it’s getting me nowhere as expected.
I’ve been listening to Paramore’s new album lately and it’s about the future, moving on, growing up, becoming more independent, not needing to rely on anyone and realising you can do what you dream to do. ‘Ain’t it fun, living in the real world, Ain’t it good, being all alone’ The whole album has a positive vibe and is relatable to how I’m feeling right now. In one of the songs ‘The future’ the lyrics say ‘we don’t talk about the past’ and explain what I mean about moving on to better things.
‘Just think of the future,
And think of your dreams.
You’ll get away from here,
You’ll get away eventually.’
Their songs inspire me to do more creative work. ‘It’s just a spark, But it’s enough to keep me going’ So I thought I’d start by writing a wee paragraph or two. The other day I took out my sketchbook and pencils and set up my laptop looking for images to draw because I feel I can’t draw without something for a reference. Then my laptop switched itself off again as there’s something wrong with the battery so I left the art and didn’t start it. Once again letting obstacles that I put there stop me from doing anything creative. Am I afraid to fail or am I scared to start a project and find out if I’m any good or not. I would like just once to be able to finish what I started instead of bailing and moving on to a new thing. At what point do I start to feel like an adult?